Unpicking limiting beliefs about tantra and orgasms
In the last few years of living in conscious communities I have come across all sorts of teachings about tantra and sexuality. For some time I approached this with a mindset of, “I am still missing something. I need to learn more tantric techniques and master the flow of energy in sexual union. I want to learn to consistently have squirting orgasms and experience cosmic out of body sexual union.”
I was looking for some particular result, and hoping to find the right techniques and the right man to help me achieve it. But... of course, those amazing experiences only arise from a state of total surrender and presence, which is not possible if I am in my head trying to push and force something to happen!
Louis and I are reconnecting now after 3 months apart and I am grateful that I am bringing so much more depth of presence and awareness to our lovemaking than I did before. I poured love into my own body in our time apart, really took ownership of my own pleasure and it has paid off so deeply. This morning I released huge sobs after my orgasm when we made love because it is just such a relief to have found this level of intimacy and pleasure within myself and be able to share it with another who is able to meet me so deeply. Ahhh... yummy.
For me, sex is now about doing LESS, not more. It is much less about specific techniques of breath synchrony or energy flow, and much more about presence. It is much less about desiring cosmic out-of-body orgasmic experiences, and more about being fully there IN the body to witness and create space for every sensation or hesitation or fleeting painful doubtful emotion. It requires having no defined expectations or goals about what needs to happen as our bodies come together. And feeling safe to express all that arises moment-to-moment and have it met with love and tenderness and acceptance by myself and my partner. And from that space of surrender, such expansiveness and pleasure can arise.
Sometimes I still observe the old temptation to go down the familiar path of seeking explosive orgasm. I feel the fire building in my body and just want to go for it! But I notice that as soon as I find myself ‘wanting’ some outcome or sensation in particular, I am no longer present. I drift off into the future, chasing this dream orgasm. And then my body contracts and I get in my mind and the natural pleasure and softness and flow is constricted, and if the orgasm does come it is small and unsatisfying. It’s ongoing work to come back to presence over and over again. But I always find that’s where the juiciness is!
