Meeting my Inner Boy
Today I encountered my inner little boy for the first time and it was a very profound meeting. As I have been on this journey deeper and deeper into myself I have always been excited about how it allows me to connect with others more intimately and authentically. But I was always still looking outside of myself for connection to the masculine, hoping to find a masculine energy in human form that would be the perfect complement for me.
I read so much about coming into deeper wholeness and interweaving the shiva/Shakti, yin/yang, divine masculine/feminine energies within, but it was purely conceptual and with hindsight I was still looking for the masculine outside of me.
The last few days I have been sitting with a lot of heaviness and uncertainty about the future of my relationship with Louis. It has been a very deep process of surrender and sitting with pain and uncertainty and fear to a depth I have never been able to before. In the past I would have run away from the relationship in order to escape the pain of the uncertainty but this time I sat it out, with unconditionally loving support from Louis, until I came into a place of total clarity about what we need to do next (travel alone for a month or two to focus on our own journeys and then reconnect and see what happens next).
And then I sat in meditation with the wind from the Thai ocean blowing through me, allowing whatever wanted to come to me to flow through. This deep understanding came that I need to be my OWN masculine before I can truly connect with another man without trying to get something from him. And a weak, unclear image of my own inner male child came to me for the first time. I have worked with inner child visualisations a lot but they were always female - this is the first time the boy has showed up. And to me this represents the start of a whole new phase of my journey. I cannot wait to get to know him and uncover the gifts he has been holding for me! One of which, it seems, is the desire to speak my truth more directly and confidently. So here is a start to that. Aho!
