Getting to know my Inner Divine Masculine
Rudi, my inner masculine, has truly woken up after our first tentative meeting last week (see my last post). And it turns out he had been holding a lot of anger for me. I learned to be ok with deep sadness a few years ago, but I still struggled to welcome and express anger. Anger is loud, explosive, disruptive and usually socially unacceptable, so unless it popped up when I was in a private, sound-proofed place I often swallowed it.
Now, I have spent the last 4 days processing and getting comfortable with RAGE. Screaming, swearing, stamping, shaking, kicking, punching, roaring, hissing, spitting. Letting my wild animal nature express itself more than ever before. For three nights I could barely sleep because every time I started to slip into semi-consciousness more repressed rage would come bubbling up, jolt me awake and I’d have to shake or punch it off. But that phase is finally passing and I am coming into a deep peace. Thanks Rudi for holding this subconsciously until I was ready to meet it with loving acceptance!
I am also having a lot of fun allowing Rudi's playful boyish energy to express itself through me. He likes to jump off of scarily high rocks into the sea, do rock climbing that is just the safe side of too challenging, kick a punch bag when he passes it, shout “Fuck you!!!” lovingly at Louis if I feel annoyed, roar like an animal, wrestle, appreciate stupid jokes and play on the slack line.
Yesterday in meditation I met the adult divine masculine Rudi. He is very attractive, which my rational brain judges as weird. It’s like I have an imaginary friend... who I know is also a divine representation of a part of me... and I fancy him?! There’s something almost incestuous about that! 
But my soul knows this is healing and delicious and juicy in a deeply self-loving way. Mmmmmmmm, yummy!
But my soul knows this is healing and delicious and juicy in a deeply self-loving way. Mmmmmmmm, yummy!And I am so grateful to be back in the place that feels closest to heaven on earth for me. Ahhhh, Why Nam, I love you. You always work powerful magic on me. The bungalow I have been staying in for the last 2 weeks while doing all this divine masculine work has a large phallus carved into the balcony. I absolutely love this. Cosmic banter - the universe is such a joker!
26 March 2020
